You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus
Just follow the signs. What signs?
UNBREAKABLE - FIREFLIGHT
Where are the people that accuse me?
The ones who beat me down and bruise me
They hide just out of sight
Can’t face me in the light
They’ll return but I’ll be stronger
God, I want to dream again
Take me where I’ve never been
I want to go there
This time I’m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it’s unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me
Sometimes it’s hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can’t see
To reach my destiny
I want to take control but I know better
Forget the fear it’s just a crutch
That tries to hold you back
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust
I need the ink to change its hue before I write this out. Change its hue to an emotion less cloudy.
And hopefully I will find my way.
Take your pick
Either BE me or SAVE me. You are only allowed to be ONE of these right now.
I need to write, to feel, to live
I can’t write any more. I started this blog because I wanted to get back to writing only to realise that there is nothing to write about. And when I do. Its filled with self-pity and spiralling misery.
And so I spend some time posting random pictures. I don’t know why. I feel nothing by doing so. But I just feel the need to fill up this space after staring at a blank compose box for so long.
There was a time I could put pen to paper, write my heart and beyond out and feel better. Feel as if I have shed a load which was pulling me down, leaving me lighter and my head with a great deal of clarity. And every piece had to end on a positive note.
Every attempt to write now has tears for company. And this feeling that I am going down into gravity enriched nothingness. Nothing. That’s what I have been feeling for several months. I find it awkwardly difficult to emote. To anyone, to anything. I try. But I can’t. I feel nothing but that nothingness pulling me in, reaching its arms out as far as it can and wrapping itself around me.
I can’t remember the last time I laughed. Laughed from the heart. Laughed without care and that certain lightness.
Holiday wishlist (2) — lovely mix of culture, nature, food, and the most perfect blue waters [Greece]
Waiting for a miracle
I am in this zone right now. In which I don’t do anything, where nothing matters, I feel like I have given up on every thing. And I am a traveller. Watching trains go by. Not getting on to any. But just watching them go by. I note the destinations. But I do not budge. I see fellow travellers but I do not join them. I feel bounded to my spot. Tightly. I struggle. But only internally. My breathing becomes agitated. But there is no physical struggle..not even a flinch. Not even the batting of an eyelid. I look on with an expression-less countenance.
I don’t know what I am doing. I seem to be waiting. Waiting for an intervention. For someone to pick me up and throw me in to the right train. At the right time, I hope..
Would you rather be loved or needed?
A painting of me..
If there was a picture of me I could paint right now I wonder what it would look like. It would have the soulful gray of the Arabian sea to show the pain I so carefully hide from the world, the wild white plumage of waves crashing against the shore painting the seemingly constant battle I fight in my head, a dash of piquant red to show that I am alive, and a fiery orange with burning ambition….all cascading into my world of ever changing tints and textures.
Searching for a saviour. Again.
What was it that I was good at again? Ah yes chess. I need to go back to playing chess. Chess is my saviour. And that will fix this cloud that has settled in my head, make it think, make it plan, get me out of this mental rut, Nira thought. And I can apply the same planning process in my life. I was the chess champion in college and once I even beat three people in back to back matches. Its already in me to be awesome, she said to herself as she downloaded a chess app in her Android device. Let me start with Level 2 and okay here we go.
I will be black and the stupid computer can move first. Ah so he moves the pawn, I will move the pawn too and that should free up my bishop, he brings the knight forth and the queen..so if I move my bishop to that position than than..ah ah than what than what. Goddamnit why can’t I think. Think! Think Nira Think! You could effortlessly forecast a gazillion combinations in your head, this is one freaking bishop. Argh, I don’t need to think so much I will just move my bishop. Holy crap! Undo! Undo! I will move it there. And…….checkmate. What?! What! The stupid computer beat ME in level 2.
Nira couldn’t believe it. She had started playing chess when she was eight. Played almost every week since than. And prided herself at outsmarting people much older than her since than. Losing to a level 2 app felt like a slap on the face.
“Great I was any way battered and bruised, a slap on my ego and a software app telling me that I am dumbing down is just what I needed!”
